Listening to someone play the piano or other instruments very well makes me jealous. I feel sorry for myself when I listen to my favorite classical music and musicals. I love music very much, however, I am no longer involved with music except listening. The most disgraceful part is that I avoided playing the piano since I was a child.
When I was five years old, my parents sent me to a kindergarten and paid extra money for piano lessons. My parents wanted me to learn piano because they did not have time to take care of me. They wanted me to learn something rather than doing nothing. They were too busy to be concerned about my improvement, and they thought that learning everything well was the responsibility of me and my teacher. At that age, I was too young to understand my responsibility. I started to learn how to play the piano with their expectation of my success without their support.
I liked learning how to play the piano in the beginning, and I liked my teacher. She gave me some interesting homework which I enjoyed playing as a game. She asked me to put a coin on the back of my hand while I was playing the piano. Another thing that she asked me to do was to hold an egg for a few hours a day. She said these two assignments would make my posture more beautiful. I did everything that she told me to do. Even though she hit my hand gently after I made some tiny mistakes, I loved going to every single lesson and enjoyed everything she taught me. I did not practice very often, but I did enjoy my lessons. I never went out after school to play with my neighbors, because I was new in that community. My sisters and brother were many years older than I was, so they did not like to play with me. I was lonely, and all I could do was stay at my home and play the piano. Iwould sometimes play some music which I had invented myself, and people would call this music "noise". I played whatever and whenever I wanted, so I had a very good time.
I had a cousin who was one year younger than I was, and we both learned to play the piano around the same time. Her mother cared about her child's learning a lot. She would accompany her daughter to the piano lessons to understand what my cousin was learning in order to plan my cousin's practicing schedule. My cousin had to play piano many hours a day or she could not do anything fun. Because of all the talent and training my cousin had, she became a good player and won some prizes. My parents had always told me to look up to my cousin and concentrate more on my piano lessons. I would have listened to my parents, if I had known how it affected my life.
My parents brought me to visit my aunt and uncle one day. After we had finished our dinner, everyone asked my cousin and me to play the piano for them. Everyone liked this idea except me. I started to feel uncomfortable and nervous because I knew how well my cousin can play. My hands were wet and shaking, and I started to think about running away. While my cousin was playing the most wonderful music in the world, I was having the most difficult time of my childhood. I prayed to God to let her make some mistakes, and I even prayed that the piano would break. I guess my God was so busy enjoying the most wonderful music in the world that he did not do anything. When it was my turn, I refused to play the piano. The more I refused, the more they insisted. Finally I sat in front of the piano, but I could not remember how to play it, not even the simplest song. I was so nervous and embarrassed that I started to cry. My aunt came near me and tried to give me some confidence, and it just made me more upset and more embarrassed. My parents told me not to cry and be a big girl. Everything that they said to comfort me was the last thing I wanted to hear. I did not play anything that night. Everyone seemed to forget what had happened, and they started to talk about other things. It was so embarrassing that I was exhausted and humiliated all night.
I changed after that night. I did not go to any piano lessons and did not touch my piano. I hated everything about the piano and swore I would never play the piano again. My parents did not notice any difference in me, and they thought that my laziness stopped me from playing the piano. This episode ruined my confidence, moreover, I feared failure whenever I encountered difficulties. I escaped from something I could not accomplish because I was too proud to face failure.
I keep telling myself to learn to play the piano all over again, no matter how long it takes. If I start to learn it again, I may have more courage to face other difficulties, or at least I will not feel jealous of other people's accomplishments. The first thing which I should remember is never to worry about how well I can do it, as long as I have done my best. I will also remember to keep my children away from any competition which they might not want to do because I was a victim of unnecessary competition.